Gender Disappointment: Be Present With Your Feelings
I spend my working life behind a camera lens, in the presence of beaming pregnant women, their partners, and their magical newborn babies. As a result, I’m also a professional story listener. I hear so many stories from women and couples who experience gender disappointment - which spirals into its own type of shame and blame.
I’ve learned over the years that, yes, everyone longs for a healthy baby. Even so, these words often cover up other “wants” or “desires” around hopes for a specific gender. So, it’s not uncommon for mothers to have a less-than-desirable reaction at their gender reveal party or - fake their way through the gender reveal party -returning home in a puddle of tears and disappointment.
Heart-Centered Tips For Processing Gender Disappointment During Pregnancy
Gender disappointment isn't bad or wrong. It’s a valid feeling. Processing those feelings is the path to being joyful about the baby you have. Here are steps you can take to be present with your feelings and process them, paving the way for a more exciting and expectation-free future.
Consider not finding out before the baby is born so you aren't disappointed
If you’ve just found out you’re pregnant and haven’t discovered the gender yet, reconsider what is best for you. The thing about gender expectation is that without meaning to, we form our narrative about who the baby is and who the baby isn’t, what they’ll do or not do, etc. Even if you kid yourself otherwise, the fact gender disappointment is so common (about 20% of all mothers, according to Today.com) means people attach identities to their unborn child without meaning to.
If you have strong feelings about having one gender or another or are afraid you might experience gender disappointment, reconsider why you’re finding out what you’re having. Babies grow out of everything so fast and could care less about their nursery decor for those first months (or years). So, gender-neutral baby items make it easy to have everything you need - and provide you with a blank slate and zero risk of gender disappointment. Once the baby is born, you’ll find your way out of idealized personas - and into reality - as you learn and grow together.
Part Two: If you’re super attached to whether you’re having a boy or a girl, I also recommend skipping the gender reveal party. That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself - as fun (and trendy) as the idea may be. A good ol’ fashioned baby shower is a better bet, allowing you to process the gender disappointment first - and enjoy the heck out of the shower once you’re feeling more spacious and clear again.
Pay attention to cultural shifts around gender and sex identification
Perhaps more than the gender disappointment affecting prenatal parents is the equivalent disappointment or grief of parents who’ve spent a year, years, or decades with a child and learning the child is changing their name and gender pronouns to match their true identity. That is not an easy path for many parents. Detaching from a child’s gender, and anticipating who they are as a human being, means you’ll never be disappointed by your child’s future identity, gender, or sex.
Sit with the sadness and follow it to the root
Gender disappointment or sadness is rooted in something a bit deeper. Learning the best way to move forward relies on being honest about the disappointment.
Common reasons for gender disappointment are:
You already have a child of one sex (or multiple children of the same sex), and you were hoping for the other.
An identity around a specific gender has become a detailed fantasy and difficult to release.
You’ve miscarried a baby (or experienced a stillbirth or the death of a child), and you un/consciously were hoping to have a child of that same gender.
You had a terrible relationship with your brother or sister, which placed an automatic “identity trait” on that particular gender, so you’re hoping for the other one.
Cultural or family pressure holds one gender as better or more desirable than the other.
You’re part of the LGBTQ+ community and feel more comfortable with one gender than another.
You hold narratives around what parenthood means and what type of parent you'll be - depending on the gender of your baby or child.
Surprise! You didn’t even know your gender preference until you learned what you were having.
Getting to the heart of why you’re disappointed gives you more places to go with how to move through and forward from those feelings.
Have a ceremony to release gender disappointment around the idealized child
Ultimately, the idea that you will have a son/daughter, which means X, Y, & Z, is really about a self-created narrative of who that child is. Psychologists refer to this as “the idealized child.” This happens even outside of gender identity.
For example, the mother who has visions of her and her daughter baking the holiday cookie recipes passed down from mother to daughter for generations, or the father who anticipates his son being the all-star baseball player he always wanted. Giving birth to a child that is a girl or a boy doesn’t really mean that much in terms of what that child’s talents, hobbies, preferences, abilities, etc., will be. However, that doesn’t stop the well-meaning and loving parent from projecting both conscious and unconscious wishes or hopes onto their child (and, sorry to say, those projects continue long after a child is born!). Then, parents are naturally disappointed when those projections don't pan out.
A ceremony that releases the “Idealized Child” may de-escalate some of the strongest feelings and make way for new ones for the rest of your pregnancy. This might look something like:
Making a collage of what you thought s/he would look like.
Writing a letter to the son/daughter you were hoping for, and telling them what you were looking forward to most.
Boxing up any clothes/toys/baby items you may have already purchased in gendered anticipation.
Then, create a ceremony, ritual, or physical act that helps you to release the Idealized Child. For some, boxing them all up together and storing them might work. Others may prefer the actual act of throwing them into a fire to be recycled into the new dream of who you’re giving birth to.
Find someone to talk to
In many cases, close friends and family are safe places to share your gender disappointment. However, this may not be the case - especially if any of them are struggling to conceive, have experienced miscarriage or the death of a child, or have a child with special needs. In that case, you might even schedule a session with a licensed therapist who can listen objectively and help you discover ways to process your feelings personalized to who you are.
We’ll Help You Embrace Your Baby For Who They Are
There’s nothing sweeter than seeing your pregnant self through an artistic and dreamy lens. And it’s nearly impossible not to fall in love with newborns in their most precious, ethereal essence. Those are the feelings I strive to inspire in parents-to-be and new parents as a maternity and newborn photographer. I also offer a confidential and compassionate ear because I have heard and seen it all.
Are you interested in finding a lasting way to bond with your baby bump and your future baby-to-be? Then, let’s help you fall in love with your baby exactly as they are! Schedule your maternity and newborn sessions with Lemonshoots today.